Dog Funnies

 
 

 

 

Housebreaking Advise

The best piece of advice I can ever give any puppy owner is to get a newspaper, roll it up very tight, secure it with a rubber band and leave it
on the coffee table.  Then when the puppy piddles in the house,  chews up a slipper, or does anything it is not supposed to do, simply take the newspaper
and bang it on the top of your head very hard while repeating........

 "I should have been watching my puppy"
 "I should have been watching my puppy"
 "I should have been watching my puppy"

 

 

House Rules

1. The dog is not allowed in the house.
2. Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.
3. The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.
4. The dog can get on the old furniture only.
5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to  sleep with the humans on the bed.
6. Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.
7. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.
8. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only.
9. The dog can sleep under the covers every night.
10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.

Author Unknown
 

 

Creation

On the first day, God created the Dog.
On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.
On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth to serve as potential food for the dog.
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the dog.
On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and the man broke.
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.

Author Unknown

 

If Only

If only my dog had stood on his stand,
When I gave him the signal: A move of one hand.

If only he'd stayed on the one minute sit.
Instead of deciding that 50 seconds was it.

A figure 8 perfect, I could almost boast;
If only he'd gone round the other post.

If only he'd dropped on the signal I gave,
And not when he saw the spectator wave.

The retrieve on the flat - he knew what to do;
If only he'd brought back the dumbbell I threw.

The high jump retrieve - the only thing he lacked,
And that dumbbell he didn't bring back.

On the broad jump, if only he'd jumped all the way,
and not tiptoed between to my utter dismay.

When I signaled the glove it was there in plain sight;
If only he'd gone for the glove that was right.

His go-out was perfect - he just went so far;
If only he hadn't both times jumped the bar.

We'd have had a 200 - he could do everything,
If only he hadn't run out of the ring.

Author Unknown

 

Things I Can Learn From A Dog

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.
Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
Take naps and stretch before rising.
Run, romp and play daily.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
Be loyal.
Never pretend to be something you're not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.
When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout...run right back and make friends.
Bond with your pack.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Author Unknown

 

How To Photograph A New Puppy

 

1. Remove film from box and load camera.
2. Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.
4. Choose a suitable background for photo.
5. Mount camera on tripod and focus.
6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.
9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.
10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
11. Take flash cube from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
12. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.
13. Put magazines back on coffee table.
14. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head..
15. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
16. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, "No, outside! No, outside!"
17. Call spouse to clean up mess.
18. Fix a drink.
19. Sit back in Lazy Boy with drink and resolve to teach puppy "sit/stand" and "stay" the first thing in the morning.
20. Consider buying "older, trained" dog.

Author Unknown

 

 

If Dogs Made The Rules

If I like it, it's mine

If it's in my mouth, it's mine.

If I can take it from you, it's mine.

If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.

If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.

If I'm chewing something, all the pieces are mine.

If it looks just like mine, it is mine.

If I saw it first, it's mine.

If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.

author unknown

 

A New Disease

We have identified a new disease, probably caused by a virus among dog-owning people. It apparently has been in existence for a considerable time, but only recently has anyone identified this disease, and begun to study it. We call it the Acquired Canine Obsessive Syndrome (ACOS). At first, ACOS was originally considered to be psychological in nature, but after two young researchers here suddenly decided to become show breeders, we realized that we were dealing with an infectious agent. Epidemiologists here have identified three stages of this disease and typical symptoms, and they are:


 

A. You have the early symptoms (Stage I) if:

1. You think that any show within 300 miles is near by.
2. You begin to enjoy getting up at 5 a.m. in the morning to walk and feed dogs.
3. It is fun to spend several hours a day grooming dogs.
4. You think you're being frugal if you spend less than $3,000 dollars a year on shows.
5. You can't remember what it was like to have just one dog.
 


 

B. You definitely have the disease (Stage II) if:

1. Your most important factor when buying a car is how many crates you can fit in it.
2. When you look for a house, the first thing you think of is how many dogs you can kennel on the property.
3. Your dog food bill is higher than your family's.
4. You spend as much on veterinarians as on doctors.
5. You have no money because of showing dogs.
6. You have to buy more than one vehicle a year, because you keep burning out the 7-year or 70,000-mile warranty going to shows.
7. Your have more pictures of the dogs than of your family.
8. Your idea of a fun vacation is to hit a show circuit.
9. Most of your conversations revolve around the dogs.
 


 

C. You are a terminal case (Stage III) if:

1. You wake up in the morning and find out that you put the kids in the crates and the dogs in the beds last night.
2. You know each dog's name and pedigree, but can't figure out who that stranger in the house is; it turns out to be your husband/wife
3. Your neighbors keep insisting that those kids running around your house bothering the dogs are yours.
4. You keep telling the kids to "heel" and can't understand why they won't, and why they keep objecting to the choke chain.
5. You cash in the kid's college trust fund to campaign the dogs.
6. You've been on the road showing dogs so long that you can't remember where you live.
7. Your family tells you "It's either the dogs or us;" you choose the dogs.


Do you have this dreaded disease? Well, there is hope. In the course of our research, we have found that most cases seem to stop at Stage II, and remain chronic. We, with great difficulty, managed to acquire several Stage III ACOS patients. They are currently in our isolation wards, where we are studying them to gain a better understanding of this disease. It is a sad sight, seeing these formerly vibrant people as they shuffle around their rooms in endless triangle or L-patterns, making odd hand motions (as if holding a lead and baiting a dog), and making chirping noises. Merely saying the word "Westminster" can send them into an uncontrollable frenzy. Unfortunately, there isn't much hope for these cases, but with time and research to further understand this disease, we hope to come up with a cure. We are now attempting to isolate the causative agent, and may be able to develop a vaccine in the future.

An interesting sidelight of this disease seems to be that exposure at an early age has an immunizing effect. Several people afflicted with ACOS at Stage II and Stage III have close family members (children, husbands, wives) who have absolutely no disease. It is thought by some of our researchers that this may be due to environmental effects, to an age-related immune function, or to the fact that those at these stages of the disease tend not to associate with their close family members possibly due to the memory deficit induced by the disease - that is, in that they don't remember that they have close family members!
 

What can you do to prevent this disease? Until a cure is found, prevention is the measure. Avoid kennels advertising "show stock," since it may be that dogs are carriers of the disease. Leave town on those days that the local newspapers inform you of a show in the area. If you inadvertently come into contact with an ACOS-afflicted person, leave as soon as possible (they do tend to cling), and thoroughly shower, preferably with germicidal soap. If you are living with an ACOS-afflicted person, take comfort that, if you haven't succumbed yet, you are probably safe.
 

author unknown

 

 

Obedience Quiz

Please choose the correct answers

Heel on lead means
A) Walk kinda behind your handler, always staying out of peripheral vision.
B) Have fun playing, this may include biting the lead, pants, or a playful nip to the heel of your handler.
C) This is really a towing exercise. Either tow your handler or be towed by them.
D) All of the above.
 

Figure Eight is for
A) Making friends with the posts.
B) Your last chance to play with the lead.
C) A good time to practice those Stays.
D) All of the above.
 

The Stand for Exam is for
A) Licking the judge.
B) Sleeping.
C) Checking out the audience and finding new folks you want to meet.
D) All of the above.
 

Heel Free means
A) Sniff until something interests you then wander away from your handler.
B) Time to meet those friendly people you had your eye on during the Stand.
C) Time to show your potential for Utility and do a "Go Out".
D) All of the above.
 

Recall means
A) Hummmmm I don't recall what this means better just sit here.
B) Run as fast as you can to your handler and jump on them.
C) Run to that spot that smelled so interesting and proceed to check it out.
D) Alternate all of the above responses.
 

Finish?
A) I'm almost am finished.

Stays are for
A) Twitching to freak out your handler.
B) Licking your parts. Like you are a guest on the Howard Stern Show.
C) This is a play time. I guess I'd better get started.
D) Just pick one or two of the above.
 

CD means
A) Nothing
B) Creative Dog
C) Confused Dog
D) Clueless Dog

Author Unknown

 

 


THE FOUR TYPES OF DOG VOMIT


YELLOW URKA-GURKAS - Dog runs around the house and hides under furniture while making a prolonged 'uuurka-guuurka, uuurka-guuurka' noise. (This noise is the only thing guaranteed to wake up a true dog lover who is hung-over from a post dog show celebration at 3:30 a.m.) After mad scrambling to capture the dog and drag him outside, the episode ends with an indelible ten yard line of slimy yellow from the living room rug to the back door.

BLAP DISEASE - Dog exercises hard and a) eats large
mouthfuls of snow (Winter Blap Disease) or b) drinks a
bucket of water (Summer Blap Disease). Within 2 minutes of returning inside, the dog spews out large amounts of clear slimy liquid while making a distinctive 'blap' sound and sharp percussive noise as it hits the linoleum.

GARKS - Dog suddenly clears his throat with loud and
dramatic gggaark, gggark' noises, generally followed by
prolonged 'iiikssss' and then loud satisfied smacking
noises. There is Nothing on the rug. Don't investigate, you
don't want to know.

RALFS - Apropos of nothing, the dog strolls into the dining room and waits until the innocent dinner guests are all watching him. Then with a single deep gut-wrenching 'raaalfff' disgorges the entire week's contents of his stomach on the dining room rug. VARIATION: then he eats it.

In all the above events, the dog is entirely healthy and
indeed deeply pleased with himself.

 

 

EXHIBITOR'S PRAYER

Dear Protector of Dogs and Fools:

When that intelligent, hardworking, honest judge finally sees what I  see in this dog I've worked so hard and long with, help me to accept  my win with grace and dignity.

And, when that blind, clueless idiot -- I mean, judge -- somehow fails  to see what a fine job we've done, (well, at least better than the  so-and-so he placed ahead of us!), help me to accept my defeat  with some of that same grace and dignity.

Lord, you alone know how I've sweated blood over this dog, the hours  I've spent getting her ready (and, Lord, are any of them ever ready?).
 

You (and probably only you!) understand why I've spent good money on this animal... money I could have spent on lots of other things -- things that just might have afforded me a little more pleasure and a lot less frustration.

Lord, tolerate my disappointment when I lose, and help me keep it all  in perspective.  Help me remember that when some dog show judge gives me
the gate, it's not as if St. Peter just gave me those pearly ones.

Lord, clear my eyes and help me see, *before* I open my big mouth,  that the so-and-so with the cow-hocked, pony-gaited dink walking out of  the  ring ahead of me is actually a fellow exhibitor who has also worked hard, maybe even sweated blood over *his* dog too, and probably deserves to enjoy this moment to its fullest while it lasts.

Lord, you know there are sometimes -- but not nearly as often as I  tend to suppose when I lose -- such ugly things as Politics, Prejudice,  and Unethical Practices, which may cause my dog to get beaten unfairly  -sometimes.    Help me, then, to remember that several wrongs won't ever  make a right, and that none of the wrongs gives me an excuse to act  like an idiot.

You know I'm a competitor, Lord; I make no bones about that.  I love to win and I hate to get beat.  There are few things more abhorrent to  me, Lord, than placing sixth out of six.

If I didn't love to compete, I'd stay home and knit afghans.  But then, there are probably afghan shows, and people  who hire professional knitters with high-tech knitting machines, and  most likely there are afghan show judges who raise sheep whose wool  goes into some of the winningest afghans, and there I'd be -- still  frustrated, still getting beat, and without a dog to share  half the blame.


This year, Lord, help me to have a little more faith in my fellow dog  folks, and for Heaven's sake, help me win, or lose, with a little  class.

Author Unknown

 

DOG PET PEEVES ABOUT HUMANS

1. When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.

2. Blaming your farts on me...not funny.

3. Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!!

4. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat butt?)

5. Taking me for walks, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

6. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose...stop it.

7. Yelling at me for rubbing my butt on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet?

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet...idiot.

9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.

10. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur? Imbecile.

11. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff when you're not home.

12. When you pick up the poop piles in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?

13. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back.

14. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throws. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain, you nitwit.

15. Invisible fences. Why do you insist on screwing with us? To my knowledge, dogdom hasn't yet solved the visible fence problem!!

 

 
   

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